


The Kaz Brekker Diaries

by xenspectral



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Princess Diaries Fusion, Crack, Crack and Angst, Diary/Journal, POV Kaz Brekker, Parody, Weird, Weird Plot Shit, diaries, kaz brekker - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24106714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenspectral/pseuds/xenspectral
Summary: Kaz Brekker is just your average boy in Ketterdam who thinks he's the Baddest B*tch in the Barrel until he discovers there's nothing worse than being a criminally insane gang leader with a crush on his favourite assassin.
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a PARODY based on Leigh Bardugo's Six of Crows & Grisha books and also loosely inspired by Meg Cabot's Princess Diaries
> 
> May contain swearing, pop culture & meme references and other weird stuff.
> 
> The idea is to update weekly.
> 
> NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
> 
> Also available on Wattpad

Dear Diary,

This week's been tough but I finally found a new therapist after I stabbed my old one in the eye when he told me I should be up front with Inej - he's the one Jesper recommended me as he's been helping him with his gambling addiction - and I think we're finally getting somewhere. He thinks I need to work on overcoming my supposedly unhealthy hyperfixations with Pekka Rollins. I've been given some breathing exercises to do but they are not very helpful so I'm taking advice and looking at more constructive ways to channel my anger and to focus on the present... 

Also, some guy offered me 30 million kruge to break into the Ice Court recently and I think that will be a constructive and mindful way to forget about Pekka Rollins and live in the moment. Maybe it will also help me forget about Inej... or maybe I'll be able to afford her one of those superfast yachts like in that YouTube video I saw where some guy is giving advice on how to get girls by buying them boats. I've been watching those a lot lately. 

Anywho, I need to get my daily Dregs intel report I'll write again later.

\- Kaz Brekker


	2. I've been working out

Dear Diary

I'm in a bad mood and want to rip someone's eye out.

I need to somehow convince a bunch of idiots into following me on an impossible heist. 

And I also found out from my Wraith that Pekka Rollins is sending around spies. He's a nasty piece of work! Sometimes I've considered just bulldozing the Dime Lion although that wouldn't be tearing it down brick by brick hmmmm

...

By the way I took my shirt off in front of her so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious between us. 

I hope she noticed that I've been working out lately. I've got a bad leg so I don't do much running though I've been watching a lot of workout videos for building abs and I'm starting to see results.

\- Kaz Brekker


	3. Hyped for Aleks Morozova & the Volcra

Dear Diary

Do you ever have bad sleep paralysis or nightmares? Sometimes I swear I feel like Jordie is right there in the room with me and I wake up in the middle of the night. I want to scream so hard it'll wake up everyone in the Slat but instead of making everyone think I'm extra crazy I just blare loud songs by my favourite band The Black Heretic (I hear the lead singer The Darkling's new indie side project Aleks Morozova & the Volcra is coming out soon which I'm super hyped about) and Jesper complains I'm going through a bit of an emo phase especially when I scream along to some of the breakdowns: "I will strip away all that you know, all that you love, until you have no shelter but me."

My voice is quite gravelly from the Queen Lady's Plague but I guess it kind of helps when doing screamo breakdowns.

As for the Ice Court - we will need Matthias. I don't want him on the team personally as I suspect he's kind of an asshole. We are also recruiting Nina. I got a tipoff she liked waffles so I bribed her with some. "Do you know how many waffles you'll be able to buy with all that kruge?" She was easy to convince. Well we have to get Matthias out of prison first. I am replacing him with this hostage we recently captured. He's some singer for a pop punk group that recently toured in Ketterdam who is insisting the Dregs member he tried to hook up with told her she was over 18 but he's clearly full of BS. We just need to remove his bad wig. What's with creepy dudes in pop punk? Seriously.

It's going to be a busy day tomorrow. I really should get back to sleep but I guess thinking about how I'm going to get 30 million kruge is more important. 

\- Kaz Brekker


	4. Who the hell is Joost?

I keep hearing people talk about him.

He has issues with the moon and his moustache.

What the hell's wrong with the moon?

And how is his moustache a problem? Unless it's a bad one.

I wish I could grow a beard or moustache. I̶ ̶w̶o̶n̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶I̶n̶e̶j̶ I wonder if I would look attractive with a moustache...or at least some sideburns.

\- Kaz Brekker


	5. Nina Zenik must hate me...

Dear Diary

Recruiting Nina was easy enough but oh em gee why can't I stop staring at the waffle crumbs in her cleavage?? It's driving me nuts. She probably thinks I'm some dirty pervert by now though, even though I swear I'm not. I'm not THAT kind of guy! I can prove it: I've been to The Menagerie at least 10x now and came out a virgin each time. 

We now have to break Matthias out so we are getting the pop-punk band weirdo to put in his place. He's not from the Black Heretic though I have heard rumours that the Darkling is also luring girls to his hotel room as some girl called Alina supposedly was in his hotel - though we're not sure if she's telling the truth or just another crazy fan - so I've considered asking Nina to tailor me into one to sneak backstage and get his autograph so I need to stay on her good side. It's one of the reasons we are breaking Matthias out though I think if she thinks I'm being too much of a creep she won't want to join the Dregs altogether. I might ask Inej to try befriend her or something but why am I scared she will like Inej more than me?? 

I think Inej likes me. I did take my shirt off in front of her the other day. UGGGGHHHH stupid Kaz! Geez I don't know why I'm having these thoughts again. I need to focus on more important things like kruge. My therapist says I need to stop obsessing over Pekka Rollins but I can't walk past the Dime Lion without wanting to flip him off so I might ask Jesper if he can do it for me later. Maybe that's what my therapist meant and that I should delegate getting revenge on Pekka Rollins to Jesper. 

However, we might have to change some plans in order to do that. We are thinking of doing a community bingo night at the Crow Club to get more of the old folks of Ketterdam placing bets and I was going to have Jesper help me try and lure them in. 

-Kaz Brekker


	6. Kaz's Top Secret Super Duper Plan for Breaking into the Ice Court

Dear Diary,

So we are planning to break into the Ice Court. Impossible right?

No. I'm Kaz F**king Brekker. 

Currently I'm working on my break in plans and here's the deal: 

I generally don't make plans. I'm really good at winging everything, so good that everyone thinks I've got a plan. However, the Ice Court is a big deal so I had to think of something.   
It's like an armed fortress in the Nevada desert with several layers of security...

The deal is we try and sneak in as prisoners. I've already got us claiming Jesper and I got busted for selling nootropics to students at Ketterdam University, the Wraith stabbed a dude, Nina killed her husband and fed him to her pet tiger, Wylan - yes Wylan van Eck sent a bomb threat to the Dime Lion - and Matthias is just there for being Matthias. Once we're in there we all dress like Santa Claus and ho ho ho our way out the chimney. If all else fails we are going to Naruto Run to dodge the bullets and give Nina some of that wizard crack. It's apparently good stuff. If we weren't being asked to break out the guy who makes the stuff I'd consider trying it. Anywho, it was Wylan who gave me the idea for Naruto running. I had no idea he was such a weeb.

Anywho, this plan is going to be great. I should know, I'm the one who's making it.

An actual map of the Ice Court:  
*Shows map of Area 51*  
:  
\- Kaz Brekker


	7. I swear to kruge if Matthias is a jerk...

Dear Diary

Today is the day. We are going to be breaking out Matthias. You know? Nina's big jerk of a boyfriend. Unfortunately without Matthias and a promise of a lifetime supply of waffles we can't get Nina on board. Besides, we need someone who can translate Fjerdan for us.

We are now going to visit Matthias and break him out so he can help us get into the Ice Court. I paid the creepy pop punk guy Davey or whatever it is off to take his place so the guards have no idea he's missing. We just had to rip off his fake rainbow wig which was easier said than done because he superglues it on.

My leg hurts a lot today but I REALLY don't feel comfortable asking Jesper to carry me. The last time Jesper carried me it was so awkward and I accidentally made skin on skin contact with him and threw up over his new shirt. I still don't feel he's forgiven me for that. I thankfully managed to claim I had one too many drinks at the Crow Club so he doesn't know how much skin bothers me. It's why I keep putting off going to the doctor to get my ingrown toenail checked out but I figured as it's on my bad leg anyway it doesn't matter, I have my cane. I'm going to use it to whack Matthias over the face if he doesn't cooperate. 

I swear to Kruge that I will be so angry if Matthias is uncooperative and we somehow screw up this mission that I will rip out someone's eyeball.

It was much easier getting Wylan Van Eck to sign up. His father doesn't want him because he can't read so I convinced him I'm giving his son a full scholarship to Kaz Brekker's School for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too. He might not be able to read but he knows a thing or two about explosives and he can stand behind me and play dramatic flute music if the need arises so he's not exactly useless. 

My Wraith and I had an argument where she thinks I'm mocking her religion. I don't think she realised I was just flirting with her. How else do I tell her I like her? I'm not good with girls. I already tried taking my shirt off in front of her but it didn't seem to work but I saw this video of a guy saying he bought his girlfriend a boat so I've been considering getting her a yacht once we get the kruge. Yeah that's what I think I'll do. Girls apparently love guys who own boats and have a lot of kruge so I think it will make her like me.

With the rest of the kruge I think I'll get a VIP pass to one of the Black Heretic's shows. That's after this mission. Nina's agreed to tailor me into a Black Heretic groupie so I can meet Aleks Morozova, the lead singer who also goes by The Darkling though she was surprised to know I'm such a big fan. 

Anyway, we are going to be boarding a boat soon. I've brought us some disguises off Yandy.com. They conveniently had a sale on Sexy Halloween costumes. We are dressing as Sexy Cops. It will be the perfect disguise for breaking in and freeing Matthias. Unfortunately it won't work for the Ice Court as I heard they do strip searches. I am not looking forward to that. I've already had a bad experience that time I flew to Ravka for a Black Heretic show and set off the metal detector with my lockpicks causing airport security to strip search me and I ended up hyperventilating and running out of the security room naked. Jesper took photos but I made sure to blackmail him hard enough to delete them because I don't want Pekka Rollins or the rest of the Dregs, especially my Wraith, to know.

\- Kaz Brekker


	8. The gloves stay on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Slightly NSFW*

Dear Diary

I hate when people complain I'm always wearing gloves. I wear my gloves everywhere. I have no reason not to, they're Gucci. Besides, I hate the feel of skin on skin. It reminds me of corpses and of my brother. My therapist says I need to try exposure therapy but that's not the Kaz Brekker Way. The Kaz Brekker Way involves destroying or running from all my problems.

Also, don't tell ANYONE I said this but my hatred of skin on skin contact is one of the reasons I'm still a virgin. Everyone thinks it's because I'm too scary to date which is partly the reason but the real reason I'm still a virgin is because I'm scared that as soon as a girl hears me say "The gloves stay on during sex" or freak out as soon as I'm touched she'll run away. She is just going to think I'm sort of weird perverted freak and there's already rumours floating around since I bought my Wraith from the Menagerie that she's like my slave or something. Well she does work for me but not in that way.

But seriously ever since I rescued her from the Menagerie I find she's been really growing on me. I swear I have a thing for girls who can use a knife. The other day I caught myself having these thoughts of us together and her threatening to stab me and I swear it was like nothing I've ever felt before. The other day at the Club I was a little drunk and Jesper claims I was going around telling people I want Inej to tie me up and threaten me... like in a roleplay sort of way... and I hope no one else knows. Pretty sure they thought it was just me drunk-talking. Is The Wraith even into that sort of thing?? Either way I have silenced everyone from talking of Kinky Kaz from that night by blackmailing them into sending their dirtiest secrets to Jan Van Eck. He's this merch who's like Ketterdam's Perez Hilton.

As for today, we finally rescued Matthias and he is as bad as I thought. He keeps insisting his ghost won't associate with my ghost and I am so totally fine with that. I wonder though... what happens if a ghost stabs another ghost?? Will I have my cane in the afterlife? I've got something of an idea...

\- Kaz Brekker


	9. Knife goes stab

Dear Diary

Some absolute **** tried to stab my Wraith. At that moment I forgot everything I learned in my anger management classes and ripped out his eye. Whoops. I really need to stop doing that but it's just way too cathartic. I swear I'm not just doing it for the sake of being a drama queen even though Jesper and Nina would beg to differ.

But I am now freaking the f**k out she is badly injured. I can't sleep and it's late and I swear to fucking kruge if Nina doesn't heal her I will rip her eye out too!!! I can't even think about the heist right now. I don't know what's gotten into me. I think I must have accidentally snorted some jurda parem instead of coke but I actually care about the Wraith. I hate admitting that. I need to kill these feelings like I kill the Oomen who stabbed my Wraith. 

I'm seeing my therapist after this heist and going to get professional help for once. Maybe I might try anger management but maybe not because ripping his eye out felt good. We are now on a boat but it's nowhere near as glamorous as the luxury yacht I was fantasising about getting when I heard how much money I'll be getting. Maybe I will join the yacht club in Ketterdam and start wearing Ralph Lauren Polo shirts with salmon pink shorts... yeah that will be the day.

But right now I am panicking because my Wraith is injured. I might go check on what Nina is doing because I don't trust her and Jesper is teasing me claiming Nina and the Wraith are a thing. I hope that's not true. I'm starting to worry the Wraith won't like me. What if she really does swing that way??? I wouldn't know. But why do I even care? I'm the Bastard of the Barrel. These sort of emotions are beneath me. I need to try harder but I'm secretly being quite emo now and listening to Aleks Morozova's new album where he sings about his unrequited love to the Sun Summoner and oh my kruge this song hits deep! 

By the way is it wrong that I secretly wished it was Matthias if any of us got stabbed? He really grinds my gears. Some nerve he has. Not like I even want to associate with his ghost. His ghost would probably be too lame to associate with anyway. 

\- Kaz Brekker


	10. Bad Burritos

Dear Diary

I can't sleep, I've been up all night holed up in the bathroom of this ship brooding and hoping my Wraith gets better soon. I swear to kruge if Nina screwed up healing her I will throw her overboard!!! However, I can't let the rest of my squad know I have a weak spot for the Wraith so I told them I just ate a really bad burrito the other day (you know how common food poisoning is in the Barrel).

I am still honestly not quite sure how we will get into the Ice Court but I am Kaz Brekker and I need to look like I have a plan. The security is quite tight. One possible way I considered getting in is if we somehow convinced Matthias to goatse us a portal into the Ice Court but even his huge asshole doesn't stretch that wide despite what his personality may suggest. We will have to try a more practical solution that doesn't involve making a fool of ourselves screaming "LET US IN!!!!" Nah, we will just have to get ourselves in the old-fashioned way and get arrested alongside all the other folks who committed heinous crimes like murder or downloading Game of Thrones (ewwww who watches that anyway? I heard the ending was really bad).

I think Jesper is knocking on the bathroom door still, he wonders why I'm taking like 2 hours on the toilet. I told him I ate a bad burrito but now he's getting suspicious and I can't give away the fact that I am in here brooding and scheming so I am wondering if there's a way to escape. Maybe this is like a test for the Ice Court. I can hear Jesper banging on the door now again saying "KAZ I NEED TO PEE" so I just told him I have bloody diarrhoea and he's now gone off to complain to Wylan. Crisis averted! 

\- Kaz Brekker


	11. I need a haircut

Dear Diary

My Wraith is alright! Though I am effing pissed off Nina Zenik used her grisha powers to help her. Sometimes I wish I was a grisha and had Heartrender powers. I would turn myself into one helluva hot girl and seduce Pekka Rollins then get my revenge when I tell him he's bad in bed and can't get it up. That would be the day! 

Speaking of which, I wish Nina and Matthias would stop loudly doing it every night. I can't wait to get into the Ice Court, maybe then I'll actually get a proper night's sleep. My Investment has her room shut and she told me if I pull an Edward Cullen on her she will throw me overboard so instead I have to brood while watching the ocean instead. I mean what's her problem? I am nothing like Edward Cullen! I don't sparkle and I have better hair despite what Nina keeps telling everyone. I get my hair professionally cut by a man with scissors for hands so I don't have to worry about skin-on-skin contact. His name is coincidentally also Edward and he recently opened up a shop near Ketterdam university. When I enrol in Ketterdam medical school once we get the money from this heist I will go there more often. He already knows me by name when I walk in and tell him I want the usual - badass mofo who you don't want to mess with extra edginess. I need a haircut.

\- Kaz Brekker


End file.
